Am I who I want to be...

Listening to the radio in the car yesterday, there was a promo commercial for a concert coming up featuring Switchfoot. They played a snippet of the song This Is Your Life and it really got me thinking. The portion they played says, "This is your life, are you who you want to be?" Am I who I want to be? The short answer is no, no I am not. What's funny about that, is that for the first time in my life, that doesn't make me uncomfortable. For the first time that answer doesn't make me depressed and question who I am, but gives me hope, something to look forward to. I would like to think that I am better today than I was yesterday, but that is not always the case. Some days, I am the same as yesterday.

On a day to day basis, I do the best I can at being a Mother, a Wife, an employee, a friend, a daughter, a Christian. But multi-tasking is a blessing and a curse and if I really look closely, each of these personas only get about a 10% effort in a day in order to make up the total percentage of who I have to be each day. I want to be a better everything/everyone and I want to strive to reach that goal each and every day. But sometimes we get lost in the minutinae of the day and forget the bigger picture. In my attempt to try and finish a project for work, I ignore my daughter's pleas to go outside. In my attempt to rest at the end of the day, I don't cook dinner for my family like I should. In my attempt to find myself, I ignore my duties as a daughter or as a friend. In my selfishness, I choose to sleep instead of spend time with the Lord. And at the end of each day, I pray that tomorrow I can do better. Sometimes this may mean cutting something out, because somedays it just isn't possible to do it all. But really, at the end of the day, what you got done, is what you got done and is the world really going to end because there are dishes in the sink? The things that must get done have ways of rising to the top of our priority list, but sometimes our priorities are out of whack. Sometimes we needed to be reminded of the bigger picture.

Through out my life I have had many trials and I didn't always handle them well when I was in the midst of them, but my viewpoint on trials has changed recently. You see, if you think about it, we learn the most and grow the most when we go through trials. When living in the status quo, we don't learn big lessons, we don't grow our characters, we remain simply in the status quo. The status quo is comfortable, but if we live in it always, we aren't really living are we? If life is great, and everything is going along at an even pace, with no bumps in the road, we don't strive to be better, we don't strive to learn or grow. Think about when you fail at something. Do you analyze what went wrong? Do you learn from your mistakes? Do you change your actions in order to get different reactions in similar situations? The answers to all these questions, I hope, is yes. We analyze what went wrong when we fail. We learn, we grow. But, when we succeed, we generally as a rule, don't analyze what we did to figure out why we succeeded. We are too busy basking in the glory of our success. But did we really learn anything other than success feels good? Maybe on a occasion, but generally, we move on to the next big thing. So why is it so hard to look forward to trials, to want trials in order to learn and grow? Why is it so hard to try and see the bigger picture when we are in a trial? Why is it so hard to stop in the midst of a trial and ask ourselves, "What could God be trying to teach me? How is He trying to grow me?"

Since becoming a Christian, I am constantly wondering what God has in store for me. Knowing that God is my strength in times of trial, I am not so scared of what's to come. I wonder what trials He has in store for me, in order to help me grow and learn and become more like Christ.

James 1:2-3 "2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

This is your life. Are YOU who you want to be?

Self-Reflection: Outside Looking In

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions, but I do a little self-reflection at this time of year and the 1st of the year is always a good time to start over, whatever do over you need or start fresh. For some reason lately I am feeling like a lot of things in my life need to change. I need to work harder on my faith journey, I need to exercise, I need to be better at keeping my house, etc. It is all so overwhelming and since I can't seem to pick one over the other, I just put them all off and do nothing.

Recently two high school friends have been reintroduced into our group of girl friends and that has gotten me thinking a lot about who I was in high school I guess. I was a miserable person in high school. I was a very depressed teenager. I was very shy most of my life and didn't really start coming out of my shell until high school. I wanted everyone to like me, just like every other teenager, but in my mind, no matter what my friends said to make me believe that they liked me, I never believed it. My expectations of those around me were always so high, that there was no other outcome but dissappointment. That was my fault entirely. In my early to mid-twenties I made a conscious decision to not be like that any more and my life took a complete 180. It was a gradual 180, but it happened and it was worth all the turmoil and torment it took to get me where I am now. I asked one of my girlfriends who I am very good friends with now, but who I also was a cheerleader with in high school what I was like in HS. She told me I was very angry. I was very negative and so it was hard to be my friend. I am so happy to no longer be that person and have others confirm that I am a much more positive person now than I used to be.

I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am. How's that for a loaded question? I think we all have multiple... personas... for lack of a better term, that make up our actual personality. We have the Us that we truly are. We have the Us that we let others see. We have the Us that others actually see (affected by their own feelings and experiences). And lastly, we have the Us that we strive to be. How does one reconcile all these personas to fit into one nice little package? Don't ask me.

In my reflection of self, I have been taking a closer look at these 4 personas outlined above. This could be a long one.

1. The Us we truly are. This is the one that defines how we see ourselves. This one is ugly and scary. This one is the one that shows me things on the screen of life that I see and I know others see, but are too polite or love me too much to point out. Here is just a short list of how I see myself. Not all bad, not all good.

• I'm self centered. I know this about myself and I hate it, but I can't seem to break it. I am the type of person that is very out of site, out of mind. It's not that I don't care, I just get wrapped up in my own life and I forget. It isn't that I am not thinking about the people I care about either, I just think to call right when it's time to give Boo Bear a bath, or at midnight or first thing in the morning. When the time is appropriate, I am in the throes of my own life and I forget. But I think about the people in my life and what they are going through a lot. But they might never know that or feel that I care, because I forget to call and say so.
• I'm lazy. Let me say that again LAZY. At the end of the day, I can say that I did the work I was supposed to do for my job, and I can say that my child got clothed, fed, and bathed (okay, bathed is questionable), and most of the time I can say that I also fed my husband, but that's it. Most days I fail to get anything else productive done. This includes laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, to do lists, organizing, etc. On the weekends when I don't have to "work", I should be cleaning and doing laundry, but no, that's when I read, or shop, or blog, or veg out in front of the TV. (In my defense, squeak, um, we don't watch TV with the girl, so the only time I get to veg out in front of the TV is when she is napping or gone to bed.) So, come Monday, the house looks exactly the same and then I'm stressed all week because I now have to cram laundry and cleaning and grocery shopping, etc into a week that already consists of me having to try and work 20-25 hours while entertaining a one year old whose attention span is about the length of her age, one minute.
• I'm insecure. I know, I know, we are all insecure, but the way I manifest mine is by having to be in the loop on everything. The most in the loop. The one with the most information about something, or the one closest to somebody, or the one with the best ideas or best this or best that or the most needed. That's where it stems. I need to feel needed. I am a horrible gossip. I had a really hard time just writing that sentence. But it's true as ugly as it is. I don't gossip to be mean or snitty, I do it because I want to be in the loop. I want people to think, she knows. And it's wrong and it's one of the things I most want to change about myself. Someone recently said that if all you ever talk about is yourself, you won't have the chance to talk bad about some one else. As broad as that sounds, it is essentially true. If you put everything in the first person, you can't very well talk about someone else badly. So, one of my goals for myself is to stop talking about others and worry about my own darn self.
• I'm a terrible listener. Really I am. I used to tell people that I was a great listener, but I'm horrible. My mind is always going a mile a minute and I forget things easily, so it's not unheard of for me to interrupt a conversation, repeatedly, to say what is on my mind. Again, it's selfish and sometimes it's like I am watching myself do this from outside myself and I hate it, but I can't seem to stop it. I think some of this comes partially from being younger and being such a wallflower that I let people walk all over me and not force people to hear me. Now I want to make sure that doesn't happen.
• I am quite opinionated and can be quite pushy with my beliefs or activities or whatever and am quick to tell you how I feel. Again, see last two bullet points.
• I never finish anything really. I mean, if I tell someone I am going to do something, I will finish it, but in terms of hobbys or workout plans or house cleaning or anything like that, I am gung ho in the beginning and try to convince everyone that whatever I am stuck on at the moment is the best thing in the world. When I discovered FlyLady, I was so into it and talked it up so much and practiced it for about 2 months. Then, as we say in our house, FlyLady flew the coop. She's nowhere to be seen. I still try to do some of the things in her plan, but I can't seem to get back on track. About four years ago, I discoverd Body For Life and was a born again gym rat. I worked out all the time and lost a lot of weight and fat and felt great. I pimped the program to everyone who would listen. And then, I petered out. I quit. I'm a quitter.
• I like to think I am stronger than I am. In the face of difficulty, I can put on a strong front, but as soon as there is anyone there to catch me if I fall, I fall and I fall hard. I'm the type of person that can hurt herself and be absolutely fine if no one is around. But if I fall or cut myself, as soon as someone so much as touches me, I lose it. I cry, I freak out. In college, I pitched for an intermural softball league. One day we were playing a pretty good team and a pitch got lined right back at me. I managed to turn a little bit, so the ball nailed me in the left arm (better than my left breast) and it hurt like H-E-double hockey sticks. I started pacing the field, trying to walk it off and trying not to cry. I sensed someone coming close to check on me and snapped, "Don't touch me." I didn't mean to offend, but I knew that if anyone touched me, I would be bawling on the field. I don't know if you've heard, but "there's no crying in baseball." On the flip side of this, my ex and I came across a really bad wreck one time in the middle of the night and I had the courage to pull some girl from her truck that was leaking gasoline. Don't know where I got that from. Maybe that's just stupid.
• I guess I could list some of my better qualities that I see in myself. I'm very loyal. Fiercely loyal. If you are my friend, I will be there for you if you every need anything. I will stand by you, I will defend you, I will fight for you. I will do stupid things for you.
• I am very protective of my friends and family. Don't piss me off. If you are ever in need and you want something that is within my control, I will ask for it and get it if I have anything to say about it. Before I actually became a Mother, my friends called me Mama.
• Not sure how to put this, and not sure I am as good as I used to be, but I guess I am a people pleaser. I say this in the sense, that I try and sometimes do without trying, predict what people are going to want or need. It's not really all that hard, and I think it's a skill that is hard wired into most women. I can see that you are looking for something and know exactly what it is you are looking for and I will just hand it to you. Not sure how better to put this.

2. The Us that we let others see: This is the everyday life. The way we treat our children and our spouse when others are around. Ideally this shouldn't be any different than when the outside world isn't watching, but I think it is. I may choose to not bite my husbands head off in public and wait until we are in the privacy of our own home to do so. I may let my child scream her head off at home when throwing a tantrum, but in a store I will try to calm her and soothe her and do just about anything to make her stop the scream that could end all screams. (Side note: I seriously think my daughter has a pitch in her voice that should be reserved for some sort of torture. When she hits such a note, I always think of a dog whistle and how loud that sound must be to a dog's ears.) The Us we let others see is the one with the best manners, except with the closest of friends and family, the best smile, the best temperment, the best everything, usually. On occassion if you see me at Wallyworld, you may not always be seeing the best of me, but usually the Me I let others see is on my best behavior, at least I try to be.

3. The Us that others actually see: This one is of course very open ended as this view is affected by each individuals experiences, histories and outlooks and temperments. I can say little about this Me, but perhaps you would like to enlighten me. Who is the Me that you see? It will be interesting to see the different responses based on my readers, some of whom are family, some are friends I have had for at least 15 years and others are e-friends that know me solely from this site and possibly email.

4. The Us that we strive to be: For me this one is where this post is probably coming from. I want to be a better Mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, a better photographer, a better writer, a better body, a better advocate, a better volunteer, a better time manager, a better eater, a better worker, a better neighbor, a better faithful, a better Me. Right now I feel like I need to improve on all of those things and it's overwhelming to me. Where do I start? Which one is the most important? How do you prioritize your life? For me, I think of that saying, (paraphrasing here), "I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes multiple days attack me at once." By the time I get to a point in my day where I really have time to think about improving on one of these things, my day is over and all I really want to do is sit and stare at the TV or computer.

Well, that turned into a longer post than I planned and probably a lot more revealing than I planned, but it felt good to purge and now maybe I can sleep.

Remember to answer the question, Who is the Me that you see?