Monday, June 26, 2006


The Girl seems to be phasing out some naps. It's not consistent from day to day so I can't tell you which naps she is trying to phase out, probably all of them. In trying to keep her and me both in a decent mood, I sometimes try and force her to take a nap. This means screaming, lots of it from her and my blood pressure rising in such a manner I feel as though I am having a panic attack.

We just tried the nap and scream method and I couldn't take it so I went and picked her up and I swear she looked at me and smiled. Can you say sucker?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

What used to be...

I feel as though I am adapting fairly well to my new life as a mother, but some days I long for just a glimpse of what life used to be like. I am the type of person that needs a certain amount of alone time. Time to reflect and relax. Time to heal the knicks and dings of everyday life. Time to recover. Having a child changes alone time in such a drastic way that I am still adjusting and may never fully recover. Some days I feel as though I will never get to spend time alone again.

Your ability to have alone time and to enjoy it once you have children changes too. There have been short periods of time where I have had a babysitter and have been in transit to another place that I have been alone since the birth of my daughter. Note that the only time alone has been in transit. I cannot think of a time in the last 5.5 months that I have just gotten to just sit and be alone. And now, when I am alone, the overwhelming sense of guilt/loss/worry takes over and being alone does not hold the same peace it used to. When I am away from my daughter, I should be enjoying that small amount of time, yet I feel as though a piece of myself is missing. I think about her constantly, wondering if she is okay, does she miss me? I spend my alone time missing her, wishing she was there with me, because without her, I am not me, I am missing something that is inexplicably connected to me now and that will never change again.

I cannot even begin to fathom the feeling of sending a child off to school for the first time or to college forever. I cannot imagine the emptiness, the loss of what to do with one's self. The worry, the wonder, the ache of a missing child, a missing part of yourself. I cannot imagine.

Yesterday was one of those days when I longed for just an hour of pure alone time, healing alone time. The Girl did not nap yesterday. She screamed every time I tried to lay her down. I am unsure if it is risual recovery from our trip out of town last week or if she is merely beginning to fade out some of her naps. I called hubby and asked him to come home early and then went for a walk in the rain. I didn't care that it was raining, merely that I could feel my heart rate decreasing and I could breathe again. I only know that it wasn't the same as before, I walked one lap and then went home to my daughter, because I missed her and felt that is where I should be.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Oh and duh...

What kind of mother am I... We took The Girl to have her first portraits done on Sunday, as in last Sunday and I waited two whole days to show you. But I did show everyone else... ;-)

So Hollywood. No, I did not place her in this position, she did it all by herself. Seriously, do you see the attitude I get.

Like Father like Daughter. Paddle, paddle, paddle... Tropical Storm/Hurricane in the Gulf, that's where Daddy is...

She looks just like her father.. awwww man. Sorry Sweet Pea. Not really, he is the better looking one of the two of us.

And lastly...

Hi, I have feet and that makes me happy and also... I'm cute!

Bitter Beer Face

The Girl has started sucking on her bottom lip lately and we always call her bitter beer face when she does this. You tell me.

Photo from here.

Friday, June 09, 2006

TV Confessions Meme

Most of us have shows that just have to watch or we are really bummed. So I thought it would be interesting to see who watches what on what night. Also included in the meme will be confessions of shows that we watch, but that people might be surprised to know we watch.

Now, I watch a whole lot less TV now that I have a kid. See we don't let her watch TV. I know she is only 5 months old, but starting early only makes sense. She showed a keen interest in the TV from when she was very little and we don't want to have to break her of that habit. I want to instill in my children creativity and reading and independence that are skills I think are stifled by the amount of TV the average kid watches. Also, not seeing all those stupid commercials hopefully means she won't be driving me nuts every time we go into a store with, "I want, I need, I gotta haves". Okay, stepping off the parenting soap box, blah, blah, blah.

So tell me in the comments or let me know you did the meme so I can see what secrets you all have. One TV show must be a confession and tell me the one show you are really bummed if you miss.

TV Confessions

Sunday - Crossing Jordan (Mini-Confession: I have never watched Desperate Housewives)

Monday - CSI Miami

Tuesday - Gilmore Girls (This is my bummer show. Unfortunately, I usually miss it because it is on at 7:00 and that is an hour before The Girl goes to bed.)

Wednesday - Nothing really that I can think of that I have on my radar.

Thursday - CSI and Without a Trace, but lately I have been watching So You Think You Can Dance on Fox. **** Confession***** At 9:00 PM almost every week, Hubby and I sit down on the couch and watch... UFC . I know it's violent, but it's also one of the few shows that hubby likes and he doesn't like much TV so it's a chance for both of us to spend some time together, drink some wine and veg out.

Friday - Numbers

Saturday - Mad TV and we watch reruns of UFC if we didn't catch it that week.

Another show that I have become addicted to is Deadliest Catch. We usually end up catching reruns late at night, not the original on Tuesdays, but I have really come to like this show and it usually means I stay up too late watching episode after episode. See I am the type of person that could watch just about anything and get interested in it. Very dangerous for me, so I try not to get into shows that I don't really have a desire to watch. I'm a sucker for just about anything.

So, your turn, confess away.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Month Cinco

Dearest Child-O-Mine,

On Sunday you turned 5 months old. The past five months have been amazing, comical, tiring and overwhelming. You are such a bundle of blessings for us and I can't imagine life without you.

Recently someone asked what I miss most about pre-motherhood and my answer was this, "Besides the obvious lack of sleep, I miss being able to just run to the store, or go shopping without having to remember when she last ate, when you last napped, and what kind of mood you are in."

Your sleep schedule still leaves much to be desired. I struggled over whether or not to give you a pacifier and finally decided that it was easier on all of us. Some days I question that decision. You still wake up every couple of hours, but now every other time or so I can just come into your room and replace the pacifier and you will go back to sleep for another couple of hours. This still means I have to get up, walk across the house and replace that stupid plastic plug. I don't know if I am ready to try and take it away from you though.

This motherhood thing is quite a lifestyle change. I have never questioned every decision I have make so much as I do now. Every decision pertaining to you, I go over repeatedly in my head, the pros and cons, the what ifs, the "will this mess her up for life's", oh the questioning and the doubting and the constant weight to do it right, not for my sake or my pride, but for yours. I want you to be the best you can be and I do not want to mess you up. I don't think the doubting every goes away when it comes to being a parent, but someone please tell me at least that you get better at it. If that is possible.

You are becoming more vocal and have quite a little attitude. At your four month check up, you weighed in at 13.4 and 26 inches long. You are so skinny that I can't put pants or bloomers on you, they just fall right off. You got my short torso and long legs and some height it seems from your father.

A couple of weeks ago we took you swimming for the first time. You were nonchalant about the whole thing. You made no acknowledgment what so ever when I put you in the pool. None. All you wanted to do was play with your two new best friends, Left Foot and Right Foot, and get them into your mouth.

You have started really grabbing things. When I hold the phone up so you can say hi to daddy at work, you try to close it or eat it. Everything you manage to get ahold of goes quickly into your mouth, which is fine right now when I can control to some extent what you can grab, but boy does this scare me when you can find bugs and pick those up and put them in your mouth. Well, I guess it will all be good for your immune system, right?

You giggle more these days and I could spend hours trying to make that wonderful sound come out of your mouth. You like it when I blow in your face -- you take this quick breath in, it's like a mini baby high for you I think. A small little rush of excitement.

I look forward to a day when you can tell me why you are crying and I can fix it, because some days, I don't read your mind so well and we both have a rough time. I am both looking forward to and dreading a time when you are mobile. I fear that working from home will not be quite so simple as it is now when you can move. But I look forward to chasing you around the house and all the fun we will have.

I love you, many bunches and many more!