Friday, January 26, 2007

It's been a doozy

Where to even start?  It's one heck of a week, a doozy of a week, a week I never want to live again.  I could go through all the horrid details in, well, detail, but I'll spare the details and give you bullets instead.
  • 1 bout of food poisoning lasting 4 days; lucky, lucky me.  By my own cooking no less.  Maybe I should stop cooking?
  • 100 - 101.9 fever, every day for 7 days.  Boo Bear got her 1 year shots last week and it seems they are shots that keep on giving
  • 1 trip to doctor's office today after stupid nurse on Monday said not to worry about ongoing high fever (I know this isn't really a high fever, but it's the highest she has ever had) 
  • Not so stupid doctor does extra tests and says not to worry.  Possible viral infection on top of bacterial infection injected into my sweet girl on purpose.
  • 1 weaning mom and baby
  • 1 very cranky mom; 1 amazingly sweet not cranky baby
  • 2 days without internet
  • 20 hours of work to make up in 3 days
  • 1 trip to Austin to get heirlooms from grandmother's house before movers come on Tuesday postponed till next week
  • 1 missing pay check
  • 1 not postponed trip to Austin to see my Mom tomorrow. Priceless.

See you guys on the flipside if I make it through this week alive.  

Friday, January 19, 2007

another neat clothes thing

Convertible Clothing

I turned around one day and all of a sudden I was a grown up.

Shooters Station

The jean is in the bag

If you are constantly looking for a perfect pair of jeans, perhaps this might help.


I have also heard that these are great, but haven't had a chance to try them on just yet. But I plan to.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Switchover Sucks

Well, for some reason after the great switchover, I can't seem to login to the NEW Blogger with my Google Login.  So that whole part about being glad I switched.  I lied.  It sucks and I just want my old blog back and to be able to login.  Technically, I can only not login on the desktop, the laptop works logs me in fine.  It seems lots of people are having this problem as I searched in the Blogger help group for, well, help.  Not so much. It seems no one at Blogger seems to care or that haven't figured out the problem.  Any ideas?  When I go to login, I put in my correct login info and then I get a blank area where the login info was and in real light lettering there is a link that says "Click here to continue." The link doesn't work and I can't login with my old info.  Dude, it sucks. 

Saturday, January 13, 2007

One Whole Year

Dear Boo Bear,

The past year has been the most... well, everything. It has been the hardest and the easiest year of my life. I has been the happiest of my life because I have gotten to spend every day with you. A year ago today, my world became something I could never have prepared for and never could have imagined. The love you have brought to my heart is bigger than anyone can comprehend prior to having children. Your birth was a wonderful experience for me and bringing you into this world was the best thing I have ever done.

In the past couple of months, you have really made the jump from a baby to a little girl. You have grown so much and sometimes as I look down at you while you are nursing, it feels like I am nursing a two year old. You are very tall and thin and I can't wait to see how you have grown at your year check up.

Right after Christmas you started walking and we are now the proud parents of a true toddler. You love to walk. You like being able to move towards what you want much faster. You still revert to your crab crawl when you really want to book it, but you prefer to move on two feet now. You do still spend a lot of time on your rear end, but you pop right back up and keep going. You are still in the baby Frankenstein phase, but I can see it won't be long before you are running.

You are a really good eater and until recently seemed to eat as much as me and your father at meal times. You have slowed down recently, just in time to begin weaning, which of course worries me. But all in due time. You love meat and pasta goldfish, cheese, crackers and oatmeal. Not so much the veggies and the fruit, but you will eat it if I put only that on your plate. You clench your mouth shut and turn your nose up in a sort of pucker when you are done or don't want what I am trying to feed you.

You are such a happy child. We are so blessed with you for so many reasons. You are constantly smiling and babbling to yourself. You insist on being the center of attention and when you aren't, you let out a scream that makes sure that all eyes are on you. You have quite a voice and are not afraid to use it. Many times you are screeching just for the sheer enjoyment. Your enjoyment, not mine. When we take you out in public, you smile and talk to anyone who will so much as glance in your direction. And if they are paying no attention to you at all, you screech so that they will and then you grin. On occassion you will pretend to be shy and you make the cutest face as you bury your head in my chest. It's a very coy look that says, "I'm pretending to be shy." You are not shy at all in reality. You will go to anyone if they just hold out their arms to you and talk to anybody who will listen and make those who are not listening, pay attention to you.

You hate being told no and if you really don't like what I am telling you no about, you scream and sometimes it is so hard not to laugh. Your face goes through 100 different emotions as you try to figure out whether to cry or not and then you let out a scream that could wake the dead. Ironically when I tell you no for screaming loud for no reason, you scream even louder when you start crying.

You love, love the cat and will babble in his direction if you see him through the back window in the living room. You call Tigger "Ga" and sometimes even seem to be saying "kitty." You have various books with cats in them and anytime I open a book to the page with a cat on it, you immediately grin and start babbling.

You have the attention span of a normal child your age I suppose. You are constantly moving, never sitting still. Even when you hurt yourself, you won't let me simply hold you to console you, you try to wiggle free while you are crying. We have never read a whole book, because generally you will sit still long enough for me to read about a half a word and then you grab the book from me and play with it. You have no interest in me reading to you, but sometimes try reading to yourself. Especially if there is a cat.

This morning as I put on my makeup, you confiscated a piece of paper off the counter. For a good 10 minutes I watched as you walked from the bathroom to the bedroom window and then back again. You did this repeatedly for ten minutes like it was a bedroom/bathroom relay. It was cute. You are cute.

My little boo ba, boo bear, poo bear, ba ba, vannah boo, Savannah pants, my little girl, I love you so much and hope that you always know that. I look forward to what the next year brings and the next and the next and the next. All of them, until you turn 13 and then we might have to re-evaluate. I look forward to all the years we have together for they are blessed years. I love you my dear little girl, I love you. Happy Birthday!


SPH: Technology

I had fun with this one. And then I couldn't pick one. So here you go.

Which one is your favorite?

Self-Reflection: Outside Looking In

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions, but I do a little self-reflection at this time of year and the 1st of the year is always a good time to start over, whatever do over you need or start fresh. For some reason lately I am feeling like a lot of things in my life need to change. I need to work harder on my faith journey, I need to exercise, I need to be better at keeping my house, etc. It is all so overwhelming and since I can't seem to pick one over the other, I just put them all off and do nothing.

Recently two high school friends have been reintroduced into our group of girl friends and that has gotten me thinking a lot about who I was in high school I guess. I was a miserable person in high school. I was a very depressed teenager. I was very shy most of my life and didn't really start coming out of my shell until high school. I wanted everyone to like me, just like every other teenager, but in my mind, no matter what my friends said to make me believe that they liked me, I never believed it. My expectations of those around me were always so high, that there was no other outcome but dissappointment. That was my fault entirely. In my early to mid-twenties I made a conscious decision to not be like that any more and my life took a complete 180. It was a gradual 180, but it happened and it was worth all the turmoil and torment it took to get me where I am now. I asked one of my girlfriends who I am very good friends with now, but who I also was a cheerleader with in high school what I was like in HS. She told me I was very angry. I was very negative and so it was hard to be my friend. I am so happy to no longer be that person and have others confirm that I am a much more positive person now than I used to be.

I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am. How's that for a loaded question? I think we all have multiple... personas... for lack of a better term, that make up our actual personality. We have the Us that we truly are. We have the Us that we let others see. We have the Us that others actually see (affected by their own feelings and experiences). And lastly, we have the Us that we strive to be. How does one reconcile all these personas to fit into one nice little package? Don't ask me.

In my reflection of self, I have been taking a closer look at these 4 personas outlined above. This could be a long one.

1. The Us we truly are. This is the one that defines how we see ourselves. This one is ugly and scary. This one is the one that shows me things on the screen of life that I see and I know others see, but are too polite or love me too much to point out. Here is just a short list of how I see myself. Not all bad, not all good.
  • I'm self centered. I know this about myself and I hate it, but I can't seem to break it. I am the type of person that is very out of site, out of mind. It's not that I don't care, I just get wrapped up in my own life and I forget. It isn't that I am not thinking about the people I care about either, I just think to call right when it's time to give Boo Bear a bath, or at midnight or first thing in the morning. When the time is appropriate, I am in the throes of my own life and I forget. But I think about the people in my life and what they are going through a lot. But they might never know that or feel that I care, because I forget to call and say so.
  • I'm lazy. Let me say that again LAZY. At the end of the day, I can say that I did the work I was supposed to do for my job, and I can say that my child got clothed, fed, and bathed (okay, bathed is questionable), and most of the time I can say that I also fed my husband, but that's it. Most days I fail to get anything else productive done. This includes laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, to do lists, organizing, etc. On the weekends when I don't have to "work", I should be cleaning and doing laundry, but no, that's when I read, or shop, or blog, or veg out in front of the TV. (In my defense, squeak, um, we don't watch TV with the girl, so the only time I get to veg out in front of the TV is when she is napping or gone to bed.) So, come Monday, the house looks exactly the same and then I'm stressed all week because I now have to cram laundry and cleaning and grocery shopping, etc into a week that already consists of me having to try and work 20-25 hours while entertaining a one year old whose attention span is about the length of her age, one minute.
  • I'm insecure. I know, I know, we are all insecure, but the way I manifest mine is by having to be in the loop on everything. The most in the loop. The one with the most information about something, or the one closest to somebody, or the one with the best ideas or best this or best that or the most needed. That's where it stems. I need to feel needed. I am a horrible gossip. I had a really hard time just writing that sentence. But it's true as ugly as it is. I don't gossip to be mean or snitty, I do it because I want to be in the loop. I want people to think, she knows. And it's wrong and it's one of the things I most want to change about myself. Someone recently said that if all you ever talk about is yourself, you won't have the chance to talk bad about some one else. As broad as that sounds, it is essentially true. If you put everything in the first person, you can't very well talk about someone else badly. So, one of my goals for myself is to stop talking about others and worry about my own darn self.
  • I'm a terrible listener. Really I am. I used to tell people that I was a great listener, but I'm horrible. My mind is always going a mile a minute and I forget things easily, so it's not unheard of for me to interrupt a conversation, repeatedly, to say what is on my mind. Again, it's selfish and sometimes it's like I am watching myself do this from outside myself and I hate it, but I can't seem to stop it. I think some of this comes partially from being younger and being such a wallflower that I let people walk all over me and not force people to hear me. Now I want to make sure that doesn't happen.
  • I am quite opinionated and can be quite pushy with my beliefs or activities or whatever and am quick to tell you how I feel. Again, see last two bullet points.
  • I never finish anything really. I mean, if I tell someone I am going to do something, I will finish it, but in terms of hobbys or workout plans or house cleaning or anything like that, I am gung ho in the beginning and try to convince everyone that whatever I am stuck on at the moment is the best thing in the world. When I discovered FlyLady, I was so into it and talked it up so much and practiced it for about 2 months. Then, as we say in our house, FlyLady flew the coop. She's nowhere to be seen. I still try to do some of the things in her plan, but I can't seem to get back on track. About four years ago, I discoverd Body For Life and was a born again gym rat. I worked out all the time and lost a lot of weight and fat and felt great. I pimped the program to everyone who would listen. And then, I petered out. I quit. I'm a quitter.
  • I like to think I am stronger than I am. In the face of difficulty, I can put on a strong front, but as soon as there is anyone there to catch me if I fall, I fall and I fall hard. I'm the type of person that can hurt herself and be absolutely fine if no one is around. But if I fall or cut myself, as soon as someone so much as touches me, I lose it. I cry, I freak out. In college, I pitched for an intermural softball league. One day we were playing a pretty good team and a pitch got lined right back at me. I managed to turn a little bit, so the ball nailed me in the left arm (better than my left breast) and it hurt like H-E-double hockey sticks. I started pacing the field, trying to walk it off and trying not to cry. I sensed someone coming close to check on me and snapped, "Don't touch me." I didn't mean to offend, but I knew that if anyone touched me, I would be bawling on the field. I don't know if you've heard, but "there's no crying in baseball." On the flip side of this, my ex and I came across a really bad wreck one time in the middle of the night and I had the courage to pull some girl from her truck that was leaking gasoline. Don't know where I got that from. Maybe that's just stupid.
  • I guess I could list some of my better qualities that I see in myself. I'm very loyal. Fiercely loyal. If you are my friend, I will be there for you if you every need anything. I will stand by you, I will defend you, I will fight for you. I will do stupid things for you.
  • I am very protective of my friends and family. Don't piss me off. If you are ever in need and you want something that is within my control, I will ask for it and get it if I have anything to say about it. Before I actually became a Mother, my friends called me Mama.
  • Not sure how to put this, and not sure I am as good as I used to be, but I guess I am a people pleaser. I say this in the sense, that I try and sometimes do without trying, predict what people are going to want or need. It's not really all that hard, and I think it's a skill that is hard wired into most women. I can see that you are looking for something and know exactly what it is you are looking for and I will just hand it to you. Not sure how better to put this.
2. The Us that we let others see: This is the everyday life. The way we treat our children and our spouse when others are around. Ideally this shouldn't be any different than when the outside world isn't watching, but I think it is. I may choose to not bite my husbands head off in public and wait until we are in the privacy of our own home to do so. I may let my child scream her head off at home when throwing a tantrum, but in a store I will try to calm her and soothe her and do just about anything to make her stop the scream that could end all screams. (Side note: I seriously think my daughter has a pitch in her voice that should be reserved for some sort of torture. When she hits such a note, I always think of a dog whistle and how loud that sound must be to a dog's ears.) The Us we let others see is the one with the best manners, except with the closest of friends and family, the best smile, the best temperment, the best everything, usually. On occassion if you see me at Wallyworld, you may not always be seeing the best of me, but usually the Me I let others see is on my best behavior, at least I try to be.

3. The Us that others actually see: This one is of course very open ended as this view is affected by each individuals experiences, histories and outlooks and temperments. I can say little about this Me, but perhaps you would like to enlighten me. Who is the Me that you see? It will be interesting to see the different responses based on my readers, some of whom are family, some are friends I have had for at least 15 years and others are e-friends that know me solely from this site and possibly email.

4. The Us that we strive to be: For me this one is where this post is probably coming from. I want to be a better Mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, a better photographer, a better writer, a better body, a better advocate, a better volunteer, a better time manager, a better eater, a better worker, a better neighbor, a better faithful, a better Me. Right now I feel like I need to improve on all of those things and it's overwhelming to me. Where do I start? Which one is the most important? How do you prioritize your life? For me, I think of that saying, (paraphrasing here), "I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes multiple days attack me at once." By the time I get to a point in my day where I really have time to think about improving on one of these things, my day is over and all I really want to do is sit and stare at the TV or computer.

Well, that turned into a longer post than I planned and probably a lot more revealing than I planned, but it felt good to purge and now maybe I can sleep.

Remember to answer the question, Who is the Me that you see?

Friday, January 12, 2007

Taking the plunge and living to tell you about it

I did it. I switched. And guess what. It's easy, it's quick, you don't have to do anything (if you already have a Google account) and it's painless. Completely and utterly painless. Except for the part where I finally got the courage to take the plunge and then Blogger decided to be all Blogger on me and not work for awhile. But I did it and I'm glad.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Delurk yourself, or I'll.... I don't know

It's the third annual Delurking Week, so please if you read and don't comment normally, take a moment to say Hi! I'm off to delurk myself elsewhere!

Happy Friday tomorrow!!!!

The great switchover

For some reason, I am terrified to switch over to the new Blogger. I don't know if it is my fear of change or fear of the unknown. What will happen to my haloscan comments? Fear of having to start over. What if I lose everything, I don't have time to really rebuild. But every time I log on to Blogger, there it is taunting me, "I'm new. I'm better. Try me. No, really, I'm so much better, try me." I think I may have to bend to Blogpressure and make the switchover. Soon, I promise, soon I will switch. Deep breaths, I can do this.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Fly Me Away

Okay, so I'm not Martha Stewart, but I'm pretty darn proud of my cake. Behold.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Mommy Confesion

I have washed the same load of laundry 5 times because I keep forgetting to put it in the dryer.

Tell me I'm not the only one.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Mommy Mission Impossible

Last night I left the house at 7:35 to run to the store to get a couple of items needed for a baby shower I am helping host today. I got in the car and headed in the direction of the grocery store thinking about all that still had to be done that day. I realized too that I am in desparate need of some new jeans. I have two pairs of jeans right now that "fit." One pair is my everyday pair, that after being worn once, is so loose it looks like I am wearing my husband's jeans. The other pair is at the opposite end of the spectrum, too tight. So much so that a couple of previous wears, while using the belt loops to help heave them over my thighs and butt, I broke a belt loop. That bad. So I called hubby and told him I was making a slight detour to Kohl's to get some jeans. His reply, "That's random." So then I had to explain the jean dilemna. He lost interest about half way through the explaination and told me "whatever."

So I made the mad dash to Kohl's. Now all you Mom's know how hard it is to go clothes shopping with children. I just don't do it, it's not worth the trouble of having a pair of jeans halfway up your legs when your child starts screaming bloody murder and you have to finish dressing yourself with one hand while holding your child with the other. So, I was pleased to get this opportunity. Although, all my "opportunities", appreciated as they are, are always rushed because I have ten million other things to do. So I run into Kohl's and grab 15 pairs of various jeans and make the mad dash to the dressing room. I'm sweating by this point as I rush around tyring to shove myself into jeans. Long story short, I found 2 pairs of jeans that fit and that I can live with. The miracle of the story? I did it in just undder 30 minutes and spent less than $40.

Then, then, I went to the store and bought the things I needed and made it home by 8:45. Now keep in mind, I left my house at 7:35 and it takes 15 minutes to get to the nearest store. I think I did pretty good.

Then my Mom of the Year attempt got even better. I made a cake when I got home. Not just any plain old cake. I, in all my never-before-made-any-sort-of-fancy-cake, made an airplane cake. And decorated it. And if I do say so myself, it's pretty darn good. Pictures to follow soon.

And then I went to bed. At 1:00 this morning.

Today, I am back to my normal, fall on my face, Mommy routine, but yesterday, I was on top of it all. Those days are few and far between.

Friday, January 05, 2007


You ain't got no alibi, you ugly hoo hoo....

Ahem. Well, today was one of those days where I would have been happy to wear a paperbag over my face. Better than actually looking in the mirror really. I made the very difficult decision to chop my hair off just enough so that it looks really good when it's clean and blowdryed. At least for about an hour. God has blessed me with hair and I thank Him for that. Unfortunately, God has a sense of humor and my hair is fine, thin, oily and straight as a board. So, unless it is clean and blowdryed, etc, etc, it looks like poo poo, dredged in oil. So today was day three of now shower and I really planned to have one today, but alas that did not happen and alas I was forced to go out in public to get a gift for a baby shower that is tomorrow.

In addition, my face looks like a 16 year old boy who lives off pepperoni pizza. It's bad and getting worse and I am horrible at taking care of it. And I'm lazy and don't like to put on makeup, because, well, it takes up precious minutes of my day. Minutes that could be sleeping, or eating or changing diapers or teaching the child to eat with a spoon or... did I mention sleeping? I also have a seriously bad habit of picking and picking. I cannot keep my hands off my face. I know, I'm all adult and such, but seriously, I think it's a condition and I cannot, for the love of all that it good, keep my hands off my darn face!!!!!!!!!!! Rant over.

Don't worry, I spared the general public and put on a hat and threw my pathetic little hair in pigtails. There was nothing to be done about my face though. I was a sight to see that is for sure.

Now where does one find paper grocery bags these days? Do they still make them?


Here's some other completely random, completely mundane thoughts floating around in my oil laden head.

  • Awhile ago someone, I can't remember who, tagged me with some meme. I had planned on actually complying with their wishes, but then my life took over and strangled me and the dog ate my homework, and ... Well, if you were the one that tagged me, I am very sorry and I totally did not mean to ignore you and please tag me again and I will comply, or at least try very hard to. Thank you.
  • Today must have been the official "drive-in-the-far-left-lane-of-the-freeway-if-you-want-to-drive-really-really-really-slow" day and I didn't get the memo. God once again reminded me that he is in control and any attempt on my part to plan my day, is really just wasted time. I rushed to get previously mentioned baby gift in time to miss Friday afternoon traffic, only to be on my return trip to hit a major wreck, on a two lane freeway, with no exits. Wanna know what made it even better? The glaring orange, you are dangerously close to being out of gas light, but not sure how dangerously close, pleaseGodjustletmegettoagasstationsoIdon'thavetositwithascreamingtoddleruntilAAAcangethere close. We made it. Whew!
  • I have never been a schedule person. I know that I do better on a schedule, but I hate forcing myself to be on a schedule. Now that I work from home and don't have to be in my office at a specific time or see people other than my daughter and my husband, I have become lax (hence the no shower thing from above). I realize every day that if I would just get up 30 minutes to an hour earlier than my daughter, I would a) get a shower every day b) get to brush my teeth before noon c) probably feel a whole lot better about myself. This I know every morning. Every night, however, I want to stay up late in order to a) spend time with my husband b) spend time by myself c) spend time doing any number of other non-baby related things that I want to do but never find the time to do, so I end up staying up too late and then spend the next morning beating myself up for not getting up early. It's a vicious cycle really.
  • Speaking of Spending time doing any number of other non-baby related things. Whenever I do have time, I can't decide what I want to do first or more. Do I organize pictures and play around with my camera and learn more about photography? Or do I read a book? Or do I catch up on the 15 trillion magazines that I refuse to throw away because, "I will read them soon." Or, or, or, do I work on the non-existent baby book/box thing so that I can remember the last year in my daughter's life? Or do I blog? Or do I watch TV and completely veg out? Or do I....
  • The girl, she is a walking now. I am officially the mother of a toddler, in the true sense of the word. Gah!
  • Ummmm, yeah, that's all I got for now. How you been?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The new year brings...

Who knows what it brings, but one of my goals this year is to be better about writing about my daughter and the day to day. That is probably boring for most of you, but for me, it will give me something to look back on and remember. I am terrible at keeping notes of her milestones. I haven't even done a baby book. She has a box full of things and lots of things sitting on top of it, but nothing in any coherent order. I am slowly realizing that even the things that I am sure that I won't forget today, I will surely forget tomorrow no matter how hard I try to remember them. My brain just isn't the same any more. So the new year brings more writing, for me, not for the masses. I will still showcase some of my photography and do the Saturday Photo Scavenger Hunt and probably still mouth off on occasion, but I hope to use this space to keep my memories of this time with my daughter.

Speaking of, she will be one year in two weeks and I can't begin to fathom I have a one year old. I still find myself turning around when my husband is talking to Boo Bear and calls me Mommy, and wonder, who are they calling Mommy? Oh yeah, that's me. I will be doing the token 1 year letter to my daughter so won't spoil it now.

We were busy for the holidays, going from Houston to San Antonio to Corpus Christi all in one week. It was fun though and Boo Bear handled it really well. I have been working my butt off since we got home to make up for the time I was off though. So I will have to catch up here later. I miss reading you guys and certainly miss the feedback I get from you all.

Happy New Year and Happy New You to those of you doing New Year's Resolutions.