Tuesday, June 20, 2006

What used to be...

I feel as though I am adapting fairly well to my new life as a mother, but some days I long for just a glimpse of what life used to be like. I am the type of person that needs a certain amount of alone time. Time to reflect and relax. Time to heal the knicks and dings of everyday life. Time to recover. Having a child changes alone time in such a drastic way that I am still adjusting and may never fully recover. Some days I feel as though I will never get to spend time alone again.

Your ability to have alone time and to enjoy it once you have children changes too. There have been short periods of time where I have had a babysitter and have been in transit to another place that I have been alone since the birth of my daughter. Note that the only time alone has been in transit. I cannot think of a time in the last 5.5 months that I have just gotten to just sit and be alone. And now, when I am alone, the overwhelming sense of guilt/loss/worry takes over and being alone does not hold the same peace it used to. When I am away from my daughter, I should be enjoying that small amount of time, yet I feel as though a piece of myself is missing. I think about her constantly, wondering if she is okay, does she miss me? I spend my alone time missing her, wishing she was there with me, because without her, I am not me, I am missing something that is inexplicably connected to me now and that will never change again.

I cannot even begin to fathom the feeling of sending a child off to school for the first time or to college forever. I cannot imagine the emptiness, the loss of what to do with one's self. The worry, the wonder, the ache of a missing child, a missing part of yourself. I cannot imagine.

Yesterday was one of those days when I longed for just an hour of pure alone time, healing alone time. The Girl did not nap yesterday. She screamed every time I tried to lay her down. I am unsure if it is risual recovery from our trip out of town last week or if she is merely beginning to fade out some of her naps. I called hubby and asked him to come home early and then went for a walk in the rain. I didn't care that it was raining, merely that I could feel my heart rate decreasing and I could breathe again. I only know that it wasn't the same as before, I walked one lap and then went home to my daughter, because I missed her and felt that is where I should be.

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