This time of year always seems to get me in a funk. I don't know why and I try desparately to not let it happen. The holidays always seem to sneak up on me somehow. I say "holidays" because I in fact celebrate Hannukah and Christmas, so to me they are "holidays" as in multiples rather than an avoidance of the true nature of what Christmas is all about. (I'm tired of the atheists being offended by a God they don't believe in, but that is for another post.)
As a child Hannukah was always a time filled with fun and laughter and family. We had big family gatherings at my grandparents house and all eight days of Hannukah we were given gifts. As a kid, this of course is the best thing ever. My brother and I were fairly spoiled with gifts we had asked for and gifts we didn't even imagine to ask for, but that we loved. But, alas, I also got Christmas. Now the other side of my family, the side that celebrates Christmas, wasn't quite as high up on the economic scale and therefore the gifts were usually of a different level. But, Christmas was not without joy. Depending on which parent I was travelling to see of course.
Perhaps that is the core of my unhappiness at this time of year. From the time I was four, I have been flying back and forth between Texas and NM and sometimes Mexico or some other random place my Mother decided to move her nomadic self to, but generally it was New Mexico or Old Mexico. Never were the holidays a nice relaxing fun time. Invariably, my Mother would always search for the cheapest flights which of course meant leaving at un-Godly hours and layovers in airports across Texas. I know the inside of every airport between Houston and Albuquerque as well as the Cancun airport and the Belize Airport. Sometimes layovers would be hours long and other times, I would have to rush from gate 1 to gate 15438 at DFW in less than 15 minutes. As a 13 year old alone, dragging your luggage while crying through the airport on New Year's day (because of course that was the cheapest flight) is not a good childhood memory. I digress.
Christmas on that side of the world was usually filled with decorating the tree all together and remembering all our favorite ornaments as we pulled them out of their protective paper. In the good years, my sister and I would both be with my Mother and actually get to share in the holiday cheer. My gifts that I remember most usually consisted of books and practical things. My grandmother gave us each a book that looked like it had lived 1000 years, a slip of some sort and a variety of shampoos and lotions from hotels that she had visited. Our stockings always contained a piece of fruit. And for some reason, from the time we started wearing it, every year, I would get my sister make-up. This thought dawned on me the other day right before her visit. I don't know why I always bought her makeup. I would buy those big packs with all kinds of stuff in them. Perhaps I was remembering times when I wasn't beating her up and was actually doing sister things like doing her makeup and her hair. Perhaps, I wanted her to remember those times rather than the ones when I locked her in a room from the outside. Who knows, but I hope she never thought that I bought her all that crap because I thought she needed it. She doesn't. She is so beautiful and always has been.
I digress again. Now, for some reason this time of year is always so trying on me. Starting Thanksgiving weekend we have our wedding anniversary, my step-mother's birthday, and of course Thanksgiving. A couple of weeks later, we have my birthday, then my sister's birthday on the 21st and then of course Christmas. Normally Hannukah is thrown somewhere in the middle of December, but for added fun this year, it starts on Christmas Day. So needless to say, the holidays sneak up on me. Christmas/Hannukah are a little more than a week away and I have bought half of the gifts I need to, we have no tree and no real plans for the holiday other than I am trying to get all the family, Christian and Jewish alike to celebrate at our house, like never before, so that the dear pregnant woman does not have to travel across town, twice. Oh yes, did I mention that? I am 9.5 months pregnant. Add that to the mix, and I am a rolling ball of fun. The unknown of it all. When will this baby decide to come?
Every year at this time, we seem to have something big come up that causes hardship on us. Two years ago we got married Thanksgiving weekend. Not really a hardship, but anyone who has ever planned a wedding that included a mixed family, not only divorced, but religiously different as well as 250 guests, knows, that it is not exactly a day at the park. Last year at this time we bought a house and this year, well we are being forced to buy a car, which Insurance God's willing, will happen today. Throw into this mix, the setting up of a home office, with all the troubles that go along with it, hubby being gone on a three day business trip and the nursery, or rather the room with all the baby crap in it, has yet to be finished. And although I appreciate all the kindness my family has shown by doing things to make the nursery perfect, they are not done and I cannot control them and alas, it is driving me crazy, because WHAT IF THIS BABY COMES TOMORROW! Add in some other family drama or trauma, your choice and I just don't have it in me to be all holiday cheerful.
As an adult, and a now married, soon to be parent, I have always wanted the holidays to be a wonderful time, where we are happy and merry and the tree is up right after Thanksgiving and all is well. Where I buy the perfect gift for everyone, including those in my family who are impossible to shop for because they don't want anything, but they do, but it's only something really expensive and really difficult to buy. I want the big family sitting around the tree on Christmas morning, opening all of their perfect presents and the smell of pancakes in the background. I want the perfect little picture, but alas, I cannot build it. I'm too tired.
Last year when we went to pick out our tree, hubby and I got into a fight about which charity's we should donate to instead of buying each other gifts. We were fighting over charity! I won't go into the details... I had tears in my eyes as we picked out our tree. This year, we still have no tree and although we hope to go get it tonight, the idea of doing so after a day of buying a car, trying to finish shopping for gifts (whilst pulling the money for said gifts out of my ass) and trying to set up the printer/scanner/fax/copier that I finally got after working from home for two and half weeks, which of course didn't come with all the necesarry parts, well...the thought of going to buy a Christmas tree after all that, just makes me tired. And then the jaded part of me says, why bother? It will only be up for a two weeks at the most, or invariably, it will be up forever because this baby will decide to come smack in the middle of my holiday misery. Which of course if that happens, good, bad or indifferent, will of course make everything listed above a mute point and I will be happy to just have a healthy, happy baby.
So needless to say, I'm lacking in the holiday cheer department. I'm also writing this wonderful post at 4:30 in the morning and have to get up and be productive tomorrow, but hey, that's what I do these days. Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah and any other holiday you may celebrate. May you be having a wonderful, happy, funfilled time!
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