Am I who I want to be...

Listening to the radio in the car yesterday, there was a promo commercial for a concert coming up featuring Switchfoot. They played a snippet of the song This Is Your Life and it really got me thinking. The portion they played says, "This is your life, are you who you want to be?" Am I who I want to be? The short answer is no, no I am not. What's funny about that, is that for the first time in my life, that doesn't make me uncomfortable. For the first time that answer doesn't make me depressed and question who I am, but gives me hope, something to look forward to. I would like to think that I am better today than I was yesterday, but that is not always the case. Some days, I am the same as yesterday.

On a day to day basis, I do the best I can at being a Mother, a Wife, an employee, a friend, a daughter, a Christian. But multi-tasking is a blessing and a curse and if I really look closely, each of these personas only get about a 10% effort in a day in order to make up the total percentage of who I have to be each day. I want to be a better everything/everyone and I want to strive to reach that goal each and every day. But sometimes we get lost in the minutinae of the day and forget the bigger picture. In my attempt to try and finish a project for work, I ignore my daughter's pleas to go outside. In my attempt to rest at the end of the day, I don't cook dinner for my family like I should. In my attempt to find myself, I ignore my duties as a daughter or as a friend. In my selfishness, I choose to sleep instead of spend time with the Lord. And at the end of each day, I pray that tomorrow I can do better. Sometimes this may mean cutting something out, because somedays it just isn't possible to do it all. But really, at the end of the day, what you got done, is what you got done and is the world really going to end because there are dishes in the sink? The things that must get done have ways of rising to the top of our priority list, but sometimes our priorities are out of whack. Sometimes we needed to be reminded of the bigger picture.

Through out my life I have had many trials and I didn't always handle them well when I was in the midst of them, but my viewpoint on trials has changed recently. You see, if you think about it, we learn the most and grow the most when we go through trials. When living in the status quo, we don't learn big lessons, we don't grow our characters, we remain simply in the status quo. The status quo is comfortable, but if we live in it always, we aren't really living are we? If life is great, and everything is going along at an even pace, with no bumps in the road, we don't strive to be better, we don't strive to learn or grow. Think about when you fail at something. Do you analyze what went wrong? Do you learn from your mistakes? Do you change your actions in order to get different reactions in similar situations? The answers to all these questions, I hope, is yes. We analyze what went wrong when we fail. We learn, we grow. But, when we succeed, we generally as a rule, don't analyze what we did to figure out why we succeeded. We are too busy basking in the glory of our success. But did we really learn anything other than success feels good? Maybe on a occasion, but generally, we move on to the next big thing. So why is it so hard to look forward to trials, to want trials in order to learn and grow? Why is it so hard to try and see the bigger picture when we are in a trial? Why is it so hard to stop in the midst of a trial and ask ourselves, "What could God be trying to teach me? How is He trying to grow me?"

Since becoming a Christian, I am constantly wondering what God has in store for me. Knowing that God is my strength in times of trial, I am not so scared of what's to come. I wonder what trials He has in store for me, in order to help me grow and learn and become more like Christ.

James 1:2-3 "2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

This is your life. Are YOU who you want to be?

Raising a Shoe Maven

Boo Bear is obsessed with shoes. First thing in the morning generally, she wants her shoes on, right that minute. Part of her obsession is that she associates shoes with outside and she loves outside. But I don't think that explains why she constantly picks other peoples shoes up, even in the doctor's office waiting room if they will let her take them off their feet, which, ewwww. If my shoes are laying around, which they always are, because I hate wearing shoes unless absolutely necessary, she is constantly bringing them to me, throwing them down and giving me the "put them on" look.

Just now I looked down and was so proud to see she got one shoe on the right foot and in the right direction all by herself. Then I realized she had the other shoe on completely backwards. How it was staying on her foot, I have no idea. Now she has both on the right feet. The straps aren't on, but she is working on that. Now if I can get her to go pee pee in the potty, we might be ready for The Bellybean when he/she arrives.

Freezer's full

I've always been able to tell how healthy I am eating by how full the freezer is and how empty the fruit bowl is or vice versa. This pregnancy is doing a number on my eating habits. Not to say I am the most healthy eater in the world. That would be a lie. I like fried food more than anything else in the world. Well, maybe not the world. But if it's fried, I like, excluding weird bugs and such.

My poor husband has got to be about sick of asking what's for dinner and hearing, "whatever you can find." I have mastered the art of the YOYOTM dinner. That's short for, Your Own Your Own. Right now I am sick of eating. I am starving all the time, yet nothing sounds good, nothing looks good, nothing tastes good, nothing sits good. And yet, I am forced to eat constantly. I am sick of eating or dealing with food. I do better if I don't have to be the one to fix the food. Seeing as I have to fix food for another human being at least 6 times a day, that makes fixing a meal at the end of the day almost impossible. Boo Bear likes that to eat that child. But not always what I fix her the first time, or the second for that matter. So by the time hubby gets home at 8 or so, he's on his own usually.

I have been trying to buy already made casseroles or stuffed chicken or something from the meat market or the freezer isle, but even when I cook that stuff, I sit down to eat and end up pushing it away. Needless to say, we have been throwing away way more food than we should and I feel so guilty every time I fill the trash can with completely edible food. Hubby forgets to take stuff for lunch and I'm lucky if I can eat something once much less twice.

Lately I have been buying more junk food than I can remember buying since college or at least since I was a single person who always ate on the go. We don't normally have snack type food in our house. Hubby constantly complains that there is nothing to snack on, at least nothing worth snacking on. Lately the pantry has seen the likes of chips, and not just one kind, but up to three or four different kinds. And things like pudding. I didn't even grow up eating pudding. And the fridge has seen things like ranch dip in a jar and cookie dough and the like. I know, crazzzzyyy, but for us it is.

Funny thing is, I crave fruit the most, but find it hard to get good fruit in all the different types. for example, today I tried to buy fruit. Lots of it. I tried to find pineapple because I had some in a fruit salad this week and now I WANT MORE! No dice. Slim pickin's. I tried to buy grapes. I could only find the purple, with seed variety. No dice with a toddler and me for that matter. I tried to buy peaches. They looked awful. I bought oranges last week and they were nasty. I bought some pears, which having already sampled are hard as rocks, some bananas, but the girl has a hold on all those and one grapefuit, because it looked good at the time. I limited myself to one because who knows if 1) it will be any good and 2) if I will want one tomorrow.

A sampling of the other things I bought today: (Poor hubby) I have * the things we do not normally eat in this house.

• Lean Pockets*
• cookie dough* (on occassion I will buy this. Hubby eats it generally in about two sittings)
• Lime Tortilla Chips
• Cheetos
• 2 packs of bagels* (This is the one thing I have been able to consistently eat lately. Must because I love cream cheese.)
• Chicken Salad* (this is another one of those things I have all of a sudden gotten a taste/craving for; that and the thought of lunch meat makes me want to hurl, but you run out of things to feed a toddler for lunch when you don't have any leftovers)
• Yogurt
• Milk
• eggs (I am having trouble getting protein so I have taken to hard boiled eggs)
• Chewy granola bars*
• Refried Beans*
• Steak Quesadilla Rolls*
• Egg Rolls*

Sound like nutrition central to me, don't you agree?

Amazingly at my check up last week, I haven't gained a pound. Now don't shoot me... I wish I could eat. I so long for food to taste good, look good, smell good. Anything. But, alas, I get up each morning and force myself to eat something, anything. And then wait to see if I will cough it up. It's a joy really. There is nothing quite like puking your guts out while your 20 months old "pats" you on the back. And by "pats" I mean, trying to pound out what I ate yesterday.

She's a doll really. I'll use that as a segway. The girl will be 20 months this Saturday. My how the time flies when you are... chasing a toddler. She runs everywhere, in that stinted sort of way that makes you cringe thinking they are going to bite the dust at any moment. She never stops unless she is watching "Melmo" or this, which she will watch over and over and over and over, until my ears start to bleed and I wake up in the morning singing these songs.

(right now she is in her crib babbling, "miinnne" over and over. As far as I know, she doesn't know that word. We don't use it in this house, but I imagine some of those children in the church toddler room know it and love it.)

She loves bubbles and eating and playing on the couch. She loves "outsiiiiie" more than life itself and unfortunately for her, being outside makes mommy sick. See we live in the armpit of HOT, south Texas where it may only be 86 degrees (my foot), but with 97% humidity, it always feels like your face is going to fall off. In my current condition, any additional reason for me to be uncomfortable is something I try to avoid. But the girl, she wants to be "outsiiiiiiieeee" right now. She has started to be able to open doors in the last day or two and can now open the door to the laundry room which leads to the back door which is the door we use 99% of the time. She can't unlock and open that one (yet!!!!!), but it gets her close enough to the door to drive me crazy with the "outsiiiiiiiiieeeeeee."

Tangent.... I'm not a girly girl by any stretch of the imagination, but I hate being outside, unless it is a)spring or b)fall, both of which make up about a whopping 3 whole weeks here in south Texas. So needless to say, I hate being outside. It's hot, it's sticky, there are bugs out there and spiders and snakes and such. We have wasps and bees all over the place and I don't like things that bite or sting. Aside from the obvious that bites and stings hurt and such, I am also allergic to the entire world. I swell up like hives at the slightest bite by an ant or a mosquito and in case you haven't heard, mosquitos like it down here in Texas. Might have something to do with all that darn water in the air. I've been stung once in my life by a yellow jacket and my ankle swelled up 3 times it's normal size, so needless to say, I try to avoid this situation. Then we have spiders and to me a spider is a spider, I'm not getting close enough to figure out if you can kill me or not. I'm also allergic to mold, grass, pollen, trees, the air, anything that moves, etc. So galavanting through the grass as Boo Bear loves to do, is not as pleasant for me as it is for her.

End tangent.

I try to suffer a little each day to take the girl outside. Somedays that means a trip to the mail box and across the street to see the neighbors dog. Other days it includes a walk to the end of the block and back. Some days she really gets a treat and we spend a whole hour out there. But the real treat is when daddy is home. She associated daddy with outside because he always takes her outside. When daddy is home, the minute she sees him, she wants her "shoooooooooooouse" and then she runs for the door. It doesn't matter is he just got her out of her crib in the morning, she will point to her shoes and demand that she get them on. That girl is a shoe maven. She loves them shoes. She even wants me to wear shoes all the time, although I suspect it has more to do with going outside than it does her really wanting me to wear shoes. She will pick up my shoes and find me and plop them down in front of me with a look on her face that clearly says, "Shoes. Put them on. Now." She does try to cram them on my feet for me, but now has learned it's easier to just give me the look. I've tried explaining to her that Mommy hates wearing shoes about as much as she hates going outside, but she ain't buying it.

Well this turned into a longer post than I meant for it to, but hey, at least I updated and told you something besides, blah, blah, blah, or maybe this is just more blah, blah, blah. Well, blah, so there.

A doozy of a whoozy

Why is it that every 3-4 months blogrolling decides to work the way it says it does and actually list your blogs in the most updated order? Just curious.

Since my last post, life has gotten even more exciting. Can you believe it? On Wednesday, shortly after I hit publish on that glorious post, Boo Bear woke up from her nap with a fever of 103.7. Fabulous. Thanks be to God that hubby was able to come home from work early so that I could go to church for Word of Life. Boo Bear has been running anywhere from 99 to 103.7 since then and on Friday we finally broke down and went to the doc. There ensued much screaming, crying and whimpering. A blood test and urine bag, oh the joys, and 3 hours later, we have a diagnosis. Viral. I hate that word, viral. It seems to me, (I am by no means a doctor), that viral is the term for, "random illness that makes your life miserable." Until yesterday, Boo Bear showed no symptoms at all other than the fever, so that was good. The Virus did entail rearranging my work schedule on Saturday, the one day out of the entire year I was supposed to go into the office from 8-5. Hubby stayed home in the morning and I came home at noon to take over.

Did I fail to mention, I woke up Friday with a cold. Bonus for me.

Boo Bear woke up from her nap yesterday with her now typical fever as well as a puffy chin and cheeks. Small cause for concern, but nothing major. The doc mentioned she looked a little swollen on Friday. That didn't stop me from Googling "puffy face in toddler" which came up with Mumps. Small freak out. Then I noticed a rash around her ears. Googled that. Mumps, measles, rubella. Much larger freak out. Called my sister, who promptly told me to stop Googling stuff and step away from the computer. I did finally call the doctor's after hours number, which ended with us going to the ER once again. Why, why, why do children only get sick on the weekends? I despise the ER, as I'm sure most people do. Boo Bear always manafests some weird symptoms at precisely 5:01 PM on a Friday or something, almost ensuring us a trip to the ER. Most likely because of liability issues they always tell us to go, but since I am a first time Mom, I tend to lean towards the "better safe than sorry" and "what if it is something horrible and I don't take her" side of things.

So 3.5 hours later, sure enough, just viral, similar to Roseola, should start breaking fever now that rash is spreading across her face and all over her torso. She did however manager to get an ear infection between the time we went to the doc on Friday and Saturday night at 11:30. then it took us almost half the time in the ER to just get the prescription written and filled. When I walked up to the counter at the 24 hour pharmacy, the guy told me 30 minutes. 30 minutes!!! It's midnight on a Saturday night, you've got to be kidding me! So we went and did what any normal people would do, we went and got a Frosty and french fries. We got home around 12:30 or so and Boo Bear and I crashed. Hubby stayed up because he is weird like that. Really he just needs time to wind down.

Today we both feel like crap and are trying to balance each other out. We have watched the same silly baby song video 3 times and I've had about all I can stand. 2.5 hours until bedtime and counting!!!!

Hope your weekend is going better than mine! Tell me something fabulous, great, or a juicy secret. I'm grasping at straws here!

The best laid plans

Should that be "layed"??? Anyways... I woke up this morning thinking of the day's to do list as I usually do. My list was longer today than most days, so I lay there trying to figure out how to get it all done and not fall over from exhaustion. I prayed that God would allow me to get done the things that were necessary and allow me to let go of the things that were not.

Here is what my list looked like as I lay in bed at 8:30 this morning. (yes, I know, I am blessed with a late sleeper)

• Shower
• Run to store to pick up one item
• Make muffins for baby shower to take to church tonight since I won't be able to make the shower on Saturday. (note: my original plan was to make scones. Made scones last night. Came out badly. New plan: muffins)
• Work 5 hours
• Entertain child
• Church by 5:30 to eat and feed child so that I am ready to begin WOL (youth program) at 6:10
• Youth Program from 6:10 until 8:10
• meet with Paster at 8:30
• Come home and fall into bed

As I got up, I realized a couple of things that needed to be added to the list. Like change the sheets that haven't been changed in.... Nevermind. In order to change the sheets, I had to a) dump clothes out of basket onto stripped bed to fold at a later time b) take clothes out of dryer and put into now emptied basket c) treat pair of shorts from yesterday that Boo Bear got Squash all over.

With that done, we resumed the breakfast ritual. What to give Boo Bear for breakfast. We started with Pear and some milk while I figured out the next step also while trying to calm my stomach and figure out what the Bellybean might like to eat this morning. Try some pear.

Hear crash. Boo Bear has figured out accidently how to remove her tray from her high chair resulting in milk all over floor.

• Add to list, impromptu mopping of floor.

Lest anyone confuse me with a housekeeper, note I only cleaned the area with spilled milk. What? I'm on a tight schedule.

Give Boo Bear some yogurt, let her feed herself. I feed myself some mandarin oranges and some pear, wash down with OJ. Return to scene of the yogurt massacre to dig remnants out of bottom of container and wash down child.

Log on to network and check email for work. Return to kitchen to clean up remaining dishes from breakfast and try to find something else to eat for myself. Cough once. Run to bathroom and relieve myself of all earlier food while having Boo Bear look over my shoulder and bang me on the back.

• Impromptu throwing up. Check!

Return to kitchen where Boo Bear climbs back into her high chair and says "eat!" Feed her some more fruit. Look for something new to put in my stomach. Sit down to work for an hour or so.

Change diaper. Pee Yew stinky! Bonus.

Walk Boo Bear across street to see neighbor's dog. Not there. Walk back. Check mail from yesterday. Load Boo Bear in car to head to store. Decide to stop by MIL's to see if she has the item I need. Thank you God for small favors. No trip to store.

Return home. High Chair. "Eat!" Attempt to feed leftover chicken nuggets from dinner last night. Child eats four bites. "dooooone!" Great. Make muffins. Mess up recipe as usual. Still works. Get muffins in oven.

Make sandwhich for self. Boo Bear insists on eating it with me. So much for "dooooone!" Work. Work. Work. Work.

Take muffins out of oven to cool. Feed Boo Bear again. Change diaper.

Work.

Put Boo Bear down for nap. Work. Work. Work.

Put finishing touches on muffins.

Find something else to eat. Work. Work. Work.

Pack muffins up and try to keep them airtight so that they will last until Saturday for Shower. Know glass container of cinammon over in the process.

• Impromtu sweeping of floor and vacumming of floor to get glass and large amounts of cinnammon off of white tile floor and out of the cracks between tile. Bonus.

Return to work.

Type this post. As of posting this it is 3:18 CST and I have to shower and finish my day. My kitchen is a wreck and I'm exhausted already. So much for my to do list. Hope your list is going better than mine.