Wednesday, March 16, 2005

And the ball rolls on...

Thanks to all of you for your kind words and thoughts. I love my husband very much and it always helps to have empathy from friends to remind me of that. Thanks guys.

So, I'm sure all of you are wondering if I have decided to give up meat. The answer is no, I am just going to eat all things in smaller portions. Weight is relative as is self image. I am struggling to deal with my 30 year old body while still pining for my 21 year old body. Man was I hot back then. Man am I not now. On occasion I do look in the mirror and say, damn, I look good. But those times are few and far between. I know, don't be so hard on myself. I'm working on it.

Part of why I posted that previous post in response to my girls posting their demons, was the message. The message hit me hard. Why are we so hard on ourselves, and so easy on others. We hold ourselves up to a bar that is so hard to reach, while accepting others faults with not a question as to why. In discussing something with a friend last night, I realized just how far I have come in my life in terms of emotional stability and acceptance. I should be proud of that fact and I am, but not to the extent that I should be. Instead I constantly beat myself up about why or how or when I feel things that I feel and whether or not I should be feeling them. I am overly conscious of my thoughts and feelings to a degree that many might think strange. But in the past I just reacted, rather than think about my feelings. I was a constant victim. I am no longer that person. I am prideful and strong to a point that sometimes it hurts me. I have to remind myself that I am not alone in this world. That there are really no unique thoughts or feelings, that someone, somewhere has not had or felt at some point. Why not share with others these demons, rather than face them alone. Together we are stronger than one. Thank you to Tiff, Becky and Bekah for being in the battle field with me as I fight my demons. I hope that I can be of help to you on your battlefields.

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