Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Personal Demons

It seems that I have been living in my own little "woe is me" hole and have lost site of some very important things. It seems that some of my very dear friends are wrestling with some personal demons lately and I have been oblivious to them. And I feel like a horrible friend. First off, I am going to admit something and vow to make a change. I have been reading other people's blogs more than my friends. In what little time I have, I check people's blogs, who although I have made a connection with, I have never meet. These three women above I know personally. I have gone through good times and bad with them. Some more than others, but they are patches in my quilt of life and I have neglected them. And I am truly sorry for that. I vow to put those that matter most to me first and foremost in all that I do.

And with that, I step very timidly into the ring with my own demons...

Breath, I'm scared...

First off let me say that my husband does not really understand this site or the need for me to have it. At this point we have agreed to disagree and have agreed not to argue about it. On occassion he reads it, but very rarely and rarely does he say anything when he does.

So what I have to say is really hard for me to say here as it pertains to him.

Here is my demon. Sometimes I think that my husband and I aren't meant to be together. To put this in some perspective. I'm liberal, he's republican. I'm Jewish/non organized religion, he's very Christian and is finding Christ more and more and basing his life more on Christ. This in an of itself is not a bad thing by any means, but it makes it difficult to find common ground sometimes. We have a lot of the same views on how to raise children (we don't have any yet), but somethings we strongly disagree on. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things that we do agree on despite these differences. And we have always said that despite these differences, we know we were meant to be together. We enjoy each other's company a lot. We do have fun together almost all the time. Unfortunatley, I've noticed a lot of those times, we are drinking. Whether that really has anything to do with it, I don't know. We don't date, we don't do romance very often, we don't have serious conversations. Perhaps I am just going through a stage, and sometimes that happens, but I worry the more I find things that we disagree on.

Little things about him have been driving me crazy lately. Things like his only child mentality where he just doesn't pay attention to what he is doing and spills things, or leaves things lying around or forgets to pack things because he thought I was taking care of it. Or the fact that he eats like he is at home when we are at a formal function. I am no etiquette queen, but when I am at a nice function, I bring out my good table manners and use them. He either doesn't have them (which I doubt, I know his mother and know she raised him better) or he just doesn't care.

Before we started dating and were just friends, I used to call my husband Mr. GQ. He was always dressed nice and looking hot. Now that we are married and "comfortable" I can hardly get him to wear anything other than work out pants, T-shirts and soccer sandles. I will be dressed to the nines and he's in soccer sandles. I don't want to be a nag. I don't want to be a bitch. I don't want to be un reasonable. I pride myself on being logical and fair in relationships to the best of my abilities. I also know that I suffer from depression and therefore, my emotions can sometimes control me more than I can control them.

So, in honor of 3 beautiful, brilliant woman that I mentioned above, there is my demon. Facing it head on comes next.

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